For those who are curious if they are at risk for Halperinism, if they've already caught it and how to avoid it.
Is Mark Halperin "Patient Zero"?
A fine question. It's hard to say if Halperin is patient zero or if Halperinism is the mutation of a previous unknown disease. There's a strong case to be made that David Broder, with his nonsensical analysis and weird desire to see everyone in Washington making out over bipartisan bills is the first person to spread this vile disease.
But Halperinism is such a special brand of "asshole" and "douche" that I find it highly unlikely the medical community has seen anything like it.
How do I know if I've caught Halperinism?
- Just ask yourself if you like John McCain. If you can find three good reasons John McCain deserves to be on the Sunday talk show circuit, then you have Halperinism.
- If you think Evan Bayh is courageous for resigning and a true hero because he hates debts and deficit spending, you have Halperinism.
- If you got an advanced copy of "Game Change" and it's now dog-eared and the cover contains drool, you have Halperinism.
- If you think President Obama should stop being so gosh darn liberal and start being more middle-of-the-road and reaching out to Republicans, who just want to have a hand in making the U.S. a better place, you have Halperinimmunodeficiency Virus and are at risk for full-blown AIDS. Just kidding about the AIDS, but seriously, you're in trouble because of your stupidity.
- If you think Sarah Palin connects with "Real Americans" you could actually be Mika Brzenzski, but more likely have Halperinism.
I'm kinda scared...what will happen to me?
First, your piece of shit article will be ridiculed for the stale or absurd premise by Jamison Foser at Media Matters. Then the Daily Kos crowd will mock it. Along the way, John Cole, Andrew Sullivan, Digby, Atrios and a whole host of other bloggers with more insight than you will point out how badly you suck.
Over time, people will stop looking for anything substantial from you. And don't even bother trying to impress the nutjobs on conservative blogs. They hate you from the start because you're a part of the "liberal media." Stop trying to suck up to them.
Since your work is appearing on a major site, you will have lots of readers, but nobody will commend you on anything. Halperinism is a lot like any virus. It stays in your body and makes you a pariah.
Sure people within the media industry will respect you, but that's because they're just as stupid. And who really cares if Peggy Noonan or Chris Cillizza thinks you're dandy?
Is there any way to get rid of it. At all?
Nope.
Why do I have a pain in my balls?
You've been watching too much VH1.
What can I do to prevent this awful disease?
Start by realizing that not every news story needs to be treated with the same intensity as Monica Lewinsky. When something happens involving John McCain, stop pretending that he's infallible and do some actual analysis that doesn't come to the wrong conclusion every time. (Hint: He's not as great as the Beltway thinks)
If Barack Obama is being pragmatic or centrist, stop putting on your Rush Limbaugh Obama Filter and translating it as he's being a "radical" or "too liberal."
Stop pretending that Sarah Palin is an interesting story because a bunch of overweight Midwestern housewives tremble when she comes on TV and Rich Lowry pops wood.
If you work at Politico, stop treating Dick Cheney like he's news. He's an unpopular vice president who is not involved in anything other than attacking the Obama administration for fictional wrongdoings.
Do all this and you may avoid Halperinism.
